One step at a time
by WhiteNoise 266
Summary: Grimmjow and Ichigo are both damaged. Can they find each other and finally heal? AU.
1. Chapter 1

Okay so I'm pretty new at this so bear with me. I hope you guys like this and I just want to thank **Shadowthorne** for helping me get over my nerves and giving me that little push. I also want to thank a good friend of mine, Erin. Thank you for reading and fixing my crappy grammer! I love the both of you! XD

"**Call me a sinner.**

**Call me a saint.**

**Tell me it's over **

**I'll still love you **

**the same.**

**Call me your favorite.**

**Call me the worst.**

**Tell me it's over**

**I don't you to hurt.**

**It's all that I can say**

**So I'll be on my way."**

**-Call me, Shinedown**

Every time he saw him, he felt a strange hollowness in the lower part of his abdomen.

Like he was missing something.

He felt it when those dark sienna colored eyes practically seared into him as he walked down the dully lit hallway towards the front doors of the school. He should have been going to his next class, though he never did though. What was the point?

He didn't like crowded spaces, so being in a room filled with ignorant, horny teenagers for an hour while the teacher droned on and on in the background of a subject that he couldn't have cared less for wasn't his idea of a good time.

The bell had rung a while ago, filling the school with a loud, annoying shrill that had made him snarl under his breath. He hated that stupid bell. Like lemmings, students had clustered around the opened doors of the classrooms. Slowly, but surely walking in to sit at tiny, cramped desks with crude words carved into the dull brown wood. Yet he was still here. Almost waiting for something. Something, or _someone_.

However, he continued walking, not bothering to even acknowledge him. Pushing open the front doors of the school with his right shoulder, he walked out into the sun filled parking lot. Walking past rows of new shiny cars rich kids had gotten for there sixteenth birthday and then the lesser fancy models followed in suit by the crappy cars at the end. He smirked. He'd have to eat, live, and breathe work to be able to afford even the crappiest of cars.

It was quiet outside, cool air kissing his face though the day was otherwise warm. The only sounds where the rustle of leaves being moved by the wind, the chirping of birds and the distant rumble of the city. No obnoxious kids were hanging around in groups blabbering about who was dating whom, who got pregnant, and who OD'd over the summer. Stupid shit that he didn't really care nor have the time for.

Fuck, sometimes he wished he _had_ a normal teenage life.

Yeah right.

He didn't wish the shit he'd gone through on anyone, but he also knew he had grown from those experiences. He wasn't like everyone else in this fucking school. Blissfully ignorant of real life and all of its shit. He actually _knew_ what he was going to do with his life when he got out of high school. He had already gone through all the things normal adults had to go through by the time he was fourteen. Paying rent, finding a job, and worrying about the bills, were only some of the burdens he had dealt with, and more just kept piling on. At least he was prepared.

He snorted as that last strand of thought left his mind.

He kept walking, weaving in and out of crowds of peoples in front of shops and stalls that sold food, accessories, or other little doodads. Up ahead he could just barely see the outline of Urahara's. The streets quickly thinned out of people as he got closer and closer to his destination. Everyone was at the center of the city, whereas Urahara's was more on the outskirts. Not many people knew about it.

He was an exception.

Grimmjow had been going to Urahara's since he was at twelve. A little place where he could hang out at when he ditched school. Kisuke didn't mind; he knew Grimmjow should have been in school but he also knew the shit he had gone through so he didn't push him. That was one of the things Grimmjow liked about him.

Grimmjow was pushed out of his thoughts by the distinct sound of sneakers hitting pavement. Even when he tried to be quiet Grimmjow could still hear him from a mile away.

"What do you want Kurosaki?" he said gruffly, without turning around to make sure that it was Ichigo. He knew it was.

The footsteps stopped.

"What. It's Kurosaki now?" Ichigo replied and Grimmjow could clearly hear the poorly hidden note of hurt and anger.

Grimmjow sighed, running a hand through his hair. He turned around to look at Ichigo who had his hands stuffed in his pockets. He seemed so small, with his back hunched and his hood pulled up to hide his bright, vibrant locks. There were dark rings under his eyes, which made his burn sienna colored eyes stand out all the more.

Grimmjow felt that hollowness in the pit of his stomach again.

_Grimmjow had always loved Ichigo's eyes. That had been the first thing that caught his eye. Not the brilliant orange hair, nor his tough demeanor. Not his tall, slim but built frame and not his handsome features. No, it was his eyes; rich, dark, chocolate brown eyes. When Grimmjow had laid his eyes on them, he _knew_. He could see everything. It was almost like he could tell when other people had been through hardships like he had. Surprise had shot through him. Kurosaki had always seemed like a normal shit head teenager since they where kids. He had seen from faraway how Ichigo would laugh when someone told a joke, or when his friends were down he would try to cheer them up. Prevalent little things that Grimmjow never did. Of course Grimmjow wasn't exactly a good friend. Sure he had a few friends like Ulquiorra and Nel, but it wasn't like he was always there for them. Maybe for important reasons, but if Ulquiorra had a bad day Grimmjow wouldn't give it a second thought. They knew that. They accepted it. It was just who he was. So why the hell did Kurosaki look so damn lonely? _

_Back then Ichigo had been surrounded by his friends. Smiling and trying to look interested in what they were saying. He had looked up and seen Grimmjow staring at him. He hadn't really looked surprised. More like his entire frame had given a small shudder and seemed to droop just a little. Like he knew that Grimmjow understood and he wasn't going to hide it. No one had even noticed the small exchanged passed between the two boys. Or that for the rest of the day Ichigo had become restless, fidgeting in his seat and counting down the minutes until school got out. _

_When the bell did finally ring, he had all but run out the door and to his surprise bumped into the boy he had been wanting to see._

_Grimmjow._

"Grimmjow." said Ichigo once again pulling him back to the present

Grimmjow's head snapped up to look at the sickly looking Ichigo. He wondered why his mind kept pushing past memories of him and Ichigo. Maybe he wanted to remember how it had been before.

Before Ichigo had ruined everything

A wave of anger and confusion swept over him as he recalled that night. A whirlwind of emotions making him feel conflicted and unsure of himself. "What do you want Ichigo?" he snapped, lashing out in anger

Ichigo lifted his face, making his hood fall back. Grimmjow's heart stopped for a full minute. He hadn't been able to see Ichigo's face clearly because of the hood but now he could clearly see how much Grimmjow leaving had affected him. His eyes were sunken in; the bright color of his hair was dull, greasy locks hanging down over his face. His skin seemed almost a sickly yellow, pulled tightly over his face. His eyes where abnormally bright, like he had a fever. Ichigo looked like he was horribly sick. Grimmjow took a step forward, his heart clenching. He could feel his breathing starting to come in short fast pants. He felt something almost _tear_ in his chest and his mind. "Ichi…go?" he said tentatively.

Ichigo, realizing that Grimmjow had seen his face, pulled his hood back up hastily glaring at the ground. He couldn't look at Grimmjow. "I should go," he said embarrassed and angry at letting Grimmjow see him like this. He turned halfway around to leave before Grimmjow grabbed his arm and spun him back around.

"What? Ichigo…why are-what I mean is-" Grimmjow looked at him with a desperate and helpless expression on his face.

Ichigo had never seen those emotions on Grimmjow's face before.

It pissed him off.

What gave Grimmjow the right to look so hurt when he had been the one to walk away? Ichigo had tried to explain, to talk to him but Grimmjow had been too shaken up and refused to talk to him. He had practically _mourned_ for this man. And now he was the one looking rejected? _Hell no. _

Ichigo yanked his arm away. "Forget it Grimmjow. I shouldn't have followed you. I'm going now. You can go on with your normal fucking life. Without me."

Grimmjow looked like he'd been punched in the stomach.

Ichigo felt a wave of satisfaction mixed with guilt pass through him. He pushed it aside. It didn't matter. Grimmjow had been the one to leave. He had nothing to feel guilty about. Especially not when he was telling the truth. He mentally kicked himself for even thinking about following Grimmjow. So what if he had helped him get out of his dark hole? That he had been the reason he stopped cutting himself?

He wasn't going to let Grimmjow take over his life.

He couldn't.

Ichigo scowled, knowing full well that all he was doing was lying to himself. Ichigo had stopped eating because of him. Stopped functioning completely. It was a miracle that he was even standing right now. He hadn't slept in days, despite staying in bed for the most part. His family had worried about him like crazy, his father even suggesting that he be hospitalized.

Ichigo had refused.

He wasn't that weak was he?

Had Grimmjow leaving really affected him so much that he didn't even have the energy to talk?

Did he really love him, _need_ him that much?

Ichigo felt it when his eyes got wet. No. No, he wouldn't cry over Grimmjow. He would _not_! Not ever.

He looked at Grimmjow one last time, who looked like he was finally recovering from Ichigo's harsh words. Ichigo turned around but was unable to take even a single step before he felt something hold him in place. Fingers around his wrist. He turned back sharply towards Grimmjow. Grimmjow wasn't looking at him though. He was looking down at his wrist.

Confused, Ichigo followed his gaze. He paled when he saw what had caught Grimmjows attention. The sleeve from his thin hoodie had ridden up half way to his elbow so you could clearly see his wrist.

You could also clearly see the thin, red scars going horizontal across his wrist.

Grimmjow looked like he'd been shot instead of punched in the stomach.

"What is this?" he said hoarsely, his voice breaking on the last word.

Ichigo tried to yank his hand away but Grimmjow's grip was like a tourniquet. He snarled. "Let go, Grimmjow. It's none of your fucking business."

Grimmjow tore his eyes away from Ichigo's self-inflicted wounds and looked at him with so much fury and pain that he suddenly felt very small. His eyes were so bright that for a minute Ichigo thought he saw them shining with unshed tears.

"None of my business? None of my fucking business?! Am I the reason you started doing this again?! AM I!" yelled Grimmjow a wild look on his face

Ichigo cringed back, his wrist beginning to throb "What the hell do you care! You're the one that broke up with me in the first place! So what if I do this! You can't do a fucking thing about it!"

Grimmjow froze. His face was suddenly wiped clean of emotion, leaving his eyes looking wide and tortured.

Ichigo didn't know what to do. His wrist was aching constantly now. It _hurt_ and Grimmjow wasn't easing his grip. He stared at Grimmjow; wariness, confusion, worry and fear in his eyes. Ichigo felt it when the pressure left his wrist but he didn't tear his eyes away from Grimmjow's face.

Grimmjow looked like he was falling apart.

He showed no emotion in his face but his eyes and hands were a different story. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides that shook with strain. And his eyes. His eyes were a brilliant cyan color that shined abnormally bright. A thousand million different crystal shades of blue glowing like lanterns. They pulled at Ichigo like a moth to a flame. Except that the torrent of affect his words had caused to Grimmjow had shattered something in those eyes. Something stronger than pain. Something that devastated him and made him want to start weeping in sorrow. There were no words. Nothing he could think of to describe the emotion in Grimmjow's eyes. A growing hole was blooming in his chest making it hurt to breath. He shouldn't have said anything. Stupid. Childish. He should have walked away when he had the chance.

Grimmjow _finally _took a shaky step back. "This is all my fault," he whispered. "All of it."

He wasn't staring at Ichigo anymore. More like he was staring _through_ him. Eyes that were glazed and dead. His mind in another place. This scared Ichigo even more than before when Grimmjow had been breaking into pieces right before him. He took a tentative step forward, wanting to console him. The motion pulled Grimmjow back and his eyes once again focused on Ichigo's face. He seemed confused for a second, like he didn't know what he was doing there. A shock went through his body making him remember. He stepped back, slowly at first. Then trying to not trip over his feet he spun around and fled.

Ichigo watched in disbelief. Something broke and crumbled inside of him leaving him with a powerful ache in his chest as he watched Grimmjow's retreating back move quickly away from him. Was this what it meant to be heartbroken? If it was, it hurt like a bitch. He looked down at his wrist. There was still faint lines under the new cuts were he had cut himself before he met Grimmjow. He lightly traced one of the scars with the tip of his index finger wanting desperately to have a razor with him so the ache would go away. Another reason to add to the pain. Grimmjow walking away from him. Again.

"**I finally put it all together,**

**That nothing really **

**lasts forever.**

**I had to make a choice **

**that was not mine.**

**I had to say goodbye for the last time."**


	2. Chapter 2

Hehe Uh hi. Yeah, so...sorry this took so long but I just started school arouna week ago so I have homework and shit. It sucks but nothin you can do abou it. Oh well. Anyways this time I gotta thank Ky for helping me! :D Hope you like it and stuff!

* * *

**"A frightened menagerie, my emotions are too many and varied to number. Like creatures they crawl and they fly above.**

**Tearing my body asunder."**

**-Steven Slaughter**

* * *

_Ichigo felt strange. He'd wanted to see Grimmjow ever since their eyes met, no matter how corny that sounded, yet here he was and he can't help but feel panicked and trapped like a cornered animal. He didn't know what he was feeling but he was aware of a tightness in his chest. Those eyes. They were burning him from the inside out. Reminding him of the ocean and clear skies and ice and blue fire and lightning. _

_Grimmjow gazed back. It was just for a minute, but Ichigo saw something flare in Grimmjow's eyes then fizzle out. Something painful and sharp had passed between both of them when their eyes locked. An underline of weird and wonderful tension that left a foreign sensation boiling through their blood and leaving them breathless._

_Grimmjow's face twisted into a snarl, instantly masking everything else. _

"_Watch where yer goin' Kurosaki" he growled out in a deep, guttural voice that broke the connection between them. _

_It left Ichigo feeling raw and unprotected. _

_He scowled though, rebelliousness flaring through him and covering the effect that short link with Grimmjow had done to him. "You're supposed to go __**out**__ the room when the bell rings moron" he snapped back._

"_God you're stupider than you look. What if this is my next class Kurosaki? Did ya ever think about that?" replied Grimmjow with his own smart-ass retort. _

_Ichigo flushed, anger and foolishness washing over him. "Whatever." he mumbled and maneuvered around Grimmjow to leave. The next words that came out of Grimmjow's mouth though stopped him dead in his tracks._

"_I see you." _

_A long silence filled the air between them._

"_What?" choked out Ichigo._

_Grimmjow turned to look at Ichigo._

"_What's yer problem Kurosaki?" he said lowly._

_Ichigo felt sick._

"_W-What the hell are you talking about?" he whispered._

"_Don't act stupid. I can see _it_. You just have to look closely" said Grimmjow, his eyes hooded._

"_Fuck off" muttered Ichigo, looking anywhere but at Grimmjow._

_For a minute Ichigo thought he saw that earlier flash go through Grimmjow's eyes but it was gone. He watched as Grimmjow's eyes flitted up to look behind Ichigo and his expression immediately darkened. He looked at Ichigo for what seemed like years before stuffing his hands in his jeans pockets and looking down._

"_See ya around Kurosaki" he said, tossing a wave over his shoulder as he walked away._

_Ichigo watched him leave. Part of him yearned to run after Grimmjow. That tightening in his chest earlier seemed to clench tighter and pull the breath out of him._

_I see you…_

* * *

Grimmjow snarled. Why the fuck did his mind keep bringing back memories of the past? Why was he suddenly thinking about the first time Ichigo and him had met? The way his warm caramel brown eyes had stared into his own, leaving a queasy feel to his stomach. It didn't matter anymore. None of it did.

Numbness started seeping in, driving everything else away.

He felt Hollow.

Empty.

All he could see was Ichigo's face and he felt a faint ache in his chest.

_Him. _

Grimmjow Jaegerjaques.

The one who didn't care about anything or anyone.

The one who would kick your ass if you so much as looked at him wrong.

The one who didn't give a fuck what people thought about him.

He was reduced to this; running away from the first person he had ever lov-

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

He couldn't say it.

Couldn't even think it.

_I hate you_.

The ground seemed to tilt sharply when those words ripped through his mind.

Can't. Breathe.

Grimmjow doubled over, feeling like he's just been punched in the stomach. He tried sucking in a deep breath and failed miserably.

He unsteadily climbed up the stairs to his apartment still trying to lessen the constriction in his chest. He was able to reach his door and snarled when he kept missing the lock.

Grimmjow looked down at his hand holding the key and saw it trembling. A minute passed before he realized his whole body was shaking.

Bad.

The edges of his vision were blurring red and black spots blotting out the world around him.

Finally the key went in. He turned it, banging the door open with so much force he was sure the doorknob had left a dent on the wall and slamming it shut behind him hard so that the door shuddered in its frame.

Grimmjow paused in the living room, not sure what to do now. Convulsions racked throughout his body, making him itch to hit something.

Anything.

A sudden rolling in his stomach had him clutching his abdomen and he staggered toward the bathroom.

He made it before he could make a mess. Retching out the little food he had eaten.

_I hate you._

Grimmjow squeezed his eyes shut. He hadn't had an episode like this for weeks. Why now? Ever since he had started dating Ichigo…

The thought was broken when his stomach protested again and had him dry heaving.

_I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Ihateyou. Ihateyou. Ihateyou. Ihateyou. IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhat eyouhateyouhateyouhateyouhat eyouhatehatehatehatehate-_

"Shut up!" he screamed, clutching at his head. "Shut the fuck up!"

Grimmjow lurched to his feet and ran out the bathroom and into his room. He collapsed to his knees, shaking with rage and grief.

_No one loves you Grimmjow._

_No one loves you. _

_Not even that boy._

_He _loathes_ you._

_No one loves you._

_No one._

_No one loves _me.

Grimmjow's eyes snapped open. He struggled to his feet, gritting his teeth as a wave of anger sliced through him.

_No one loves you!_

The wave of anger swelled.

"Get. The fuck. Out of my head!" he roared and swung his fist blindly, slammed it into the wall.

Grimmjow panted in exhaustion, drained completely. His mind felt fuzzy, like he was about to pass out any minute now. With a jerk he pulled his fist back to inspect the damage. Bits of drywall clung to his knuckles were the skin had torn and was currently bleeding leaving little red specks as it hit the carpet. The pain didn't register until a moment later but he ignored it with a curl of his lip and instead looked at the wall he had damaged. There was a hole roughly the size of his fist where he had punched through and pieces of drywall still hung from the hole. He could see the wood underneath like a second skin.

Shit.

He was going to have to explain to the landlord and Nnoitra how a huge fucking hole had gotten into his wall.

Grimmjow sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He needed a drink.

* * *

Nnoitra stared hard at the old black couch in the living room, practically burning a hole into it. Something wasn't right. He'd come into the two bedroom apartment he shared with Grimmjow and instantly felt that something was out of place. He couldn't put his finger on it but it bugged him in the back of his mind. Grimmjow was nowhere to be seen.

Then it hit him.

Grimmjow.

Where the hell was Grimmjow?

Usually he was on the couch watching TV or in his room…

The thing that most unnerved him though, was that there was no music playing. Whenever Grimmjow was home his stereo would be blasting out at full volume. Nnoitra knew Grimmjow was home because the door had been unlocked. But no music. Now he was really nervous. In all the time he'd known Grimmjow there had always been music one way or another.

"Grimm?" he called out, not really expecting an answer.

There was none.

Nnoitra walked into the small kitchen. Nothing. He tried the bathroom. Nothing again. He saved Grimmjow's bedroom for last where he was sure to find him. Nnoitra peered in. The room was empty. Where the hell was that asshole? Nnoitra was closing the door behind him when he noticed a large hole in the wall next to the door.

_Fuckin' shit Grimm not again _he thought before closing the door behind him.

Nnoitra scratched his stomach absently and tried to remember the places Grimmjow usually hung out at. There was Urahara's, the park at night where he liked to smoke, the roof-

Nnoitra froze. The roof.

_That dumb ass shit head doesn't he see I have better things to do than baby-sit him! _Raged Nnoitra as he walked towards the window that he could now see was cracked open. He stuck his head out and there was Grimmjow, stretched out on his back like a fucking content cat while smoking a cigarette. There was an almost empty bottle next to him that looked suspiciously like vodka. Nnoitra silently cursed Grimmjow to the fiery pits of hell and climbed out the window into the roof.

"Grimm! What the fuck'r ya doin'?!" barked Nnoitra.

Grimmjow lifted his head just barely enough to see three Nnoitra's glaring at him. He blinked and two of them disappeared leaving one single, pissed off, blurry Nnoitra.

"Wazzit look like I'm doin? I'm smokin." slurred Grimmjow as he took a drag from the cigarette and lifted his head letting the smoke blow out of his mouth in tendrils that reached desperately for the sky before dissipating.

"I thought ya quit drinkin." said Nnoitra nudging the bottle and almost spilling the contents inside.

Grimmjow snatched it up. "I did." he said and glared at the bottle.

"It's that kid isn't it." said Nnoitra more stating it than really asking.

Grimmjow sat up drawing his knees up so that his elbows rested on his kneecaps. He looked at the dying sky for a minute. Oranges and yellows slashing through the blue. While purples and pinks bled and mixed into the dazzling colors creating a plethora of stunning shades. Grimmjow looked away from the gorgeous scene instead gazing at the slate red colored tiles that made the roof. He smashed his cigarette butt against a tile roof with a savage violence that made Nnoitra feel sorry for it and glared up at Nnoitra, taking in his tall, wiry frame that didn't fool him. He knew Nnoitra was fucking strong. His white bandana covered his messed up left eye. He was wearing acid washed jeans, a long sleeved white shirt and white chucks. All of the white made his eyes hurt.

Except white always reminded Grimmjow of Nnoitra. He'd known Nnoitra all of his life. Since they where still in diapers. He'd played pool with this guy, ditched school, lit a trash can on fire, shot at squirrels with a bibi gun, smoked crazy shit. Nnoitra had always been there by his side. No matter the fucking situation. This man was like a brother to him. He could tell him anything, yet he found himself hesitating.

Nnoitra stared back with a frown. They stayed silent for several minutes before Nnoitra became impatient.

"Grimmjow."

"_What?_" snarled Grimmjow.

"What the hell's wrong with ya?"

"I fucked up Nnoi. I fucked up bad." whispered Grimmjow suddenly looking more sober and deciding that if he couldn't trust Nnoitra he sure as hell couldn't trust anyone else.

"What'ya mean?"

"I saw Ichigo today. Well, more like he followed me but…shit."

Grimmjow scrubbed his hands over his face. Nnoitra noticed that there were dark half moons under Grimmjow's eyes. His hair was lanky and greasy and the beginning of a stubble was just starting to set in.

"He cut himself. Over _me. _Cuz I left him. He started again. Nnoi he looked like he was fucking _dying_. And it's all my fault. You wanna know what I did? I _ran. _I fucking ran as fast as I could. I ran _away_ from him."

Grimmjow felt like everything he had ever know had been thrown upside down. One moment it had been just usual life for him and the next, bam! Ichigo came into his life and then suddenly emotions he had never felt before started bubbling up to the surface. He felt like he was on the very edge of a cliff and on the verge of jumping off of it, letting it take him where it will. Except that Nnoitra was there. The only thing keeping him from hurdling down to his death was that thin thread of knowing that another living being was standing right next to him.

A grave silence fell over them, thick and overbearing. Nnoitra shifted uncomfortably. He wasn't good with this type of shit. All these feelings and drama. This was exactly why he hated relationships.

"Grimm I don't know what ya got yerself into but it seems like yer fallin' for this guy." he said breaking the uneasy silence.

Grimmjow glowered down at the bottle before taking a swig, tilting his head back so that the intoxicating liquid would go down his throat swift and hard.

"What the fuck does it matter. I broke up with him. End of story." he said in a low voice.

"Why the fuck would ya do that for?" asked Nnoitra surprised.

Grimmjow said nothing.

"Ah fuck. Because of that? Grimm, that was _thirteen_ years ago. If ya keep that shit with ya it's gonna kill ya one of these days!" said Nnoitra finally comprehending why Grimmjow was so fucked up over this guy.

He had never seen Grimmjow like this. Which could only mean one thing. Grimm wasn't falling for this guy. He'd already fallen for him a _long_ time ago. And God knew Grimmjow couldn't handle that.

"You think I don't know that?" sneered Grimmjow.

He curled his hand into a fist, the veins starting to bulge out. The bottle stared back at him, mocking him. He wrapped a hand around it. Then he crept closer to the edge of the roof and let it dangle over the edge making it look like it was hanging in midair.

He looked down.

The fall was maybe twenty feet at most with the apartment being on the second floor. Trash, broken glass, empty cardboard boxes and tattered plastic bags littered the ground. He could smell urine and decaying meat all the way from up here.

He made his way up from the base of the bottle to the neck, slowly unwrapping his hand until only his thumb and pointer finger were holding up the bottle by the top of the neck. He swayed it once.

"What the hell'r you doing?" asked Nnoitra.

Grimmjow turned to look at him. A wide unhinged smile was on his face that Nnoitra didn't like. He could almost hear the snap coming from Grimmjow's mind. It reminded him too much of the past.

"I'm quitting drinking." he said and released his hold from the bottle.

It disappeared and a moment later they heard a shatter echo up from the dirty alley. Grimmjow stared down but couldn't tell the shattered glass from the bottle to the other glass. It all looked the same.

_Like people_ he mused. _We_ _all_ _look the same on the outside, but inside everyone has some shit they deal with. _

Grimmjow looked up at the darkening sky. Everything seemed to be incased in fog, like a screen had been pulled over his eyes. His thoughts suddenly turned to God. Then to all of the things in his life and he thought that if he had such a fucked up life he could only imagine the rest of the world.

_God has a sick sense of humor._

* * *

So? How was it? REVIEW! Oh and did ya notice that little bit were Grimmjow has this I hate you episode? Yeah you don't get to that till later on. I don't know when but it'll come. I'm so evil.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey! Holy shit I'm so sorry for not updating before but school is kicking my ass, especially math so I didn't really have time. Plus, I've been having serious writer's block which has been pissing me off. Anyway's, here's the next chapter! I"m not 100% happy with it but oh well. Just want to thank Yeti-on-fire! **

* * *

And you bring me to my knees again

All this time that I can beg you please, yeah

All the times that I felt insecure, yeah

And I lift my burden out the door

I'm on the outside, I'm looking in

I can see through you, see your true colors

'Cause inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me

I can see through you, see to the real you

All this time that I felt like this won't end was for you

And I taste what I could never have, it's from you

All those times that I tried, my intention, full of pride

And I waste more time than anyone

But I'm on the outside, I'm looking in

I can see through you, see your true colors

'Cause inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me

I can see through you, see to the real you

All the times that I've cried, all this wasted, it's all inside

And I feel, all this pain, stuffed it down, it's back again

And I lie here in bed, all alone, I can't mend

And I feel tomorrow will be okay

But I know that I'm on the outside I'm looking in

I can see through you, see your true colors

'Cause inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me

I can see through you, see to the real you

-Outside, Staind

He stared at the wall.

It was white.

Blank and cold and boring.

_I see you_.

He shuddered.

Stop thinking. Just stop.

He didn't want to think.

He didn't want to feel.

He didn't want to see or hear or eat or sleep or breath or _be._

_He just wanted to be numb._

The bruising hole in his chest was gaping wide.

It was so painful.

It only reminded him that he was real.

He was here and alive and breathing.

Everything he didn't want to be.

_I…I can't!_

Everything is suddenly crumbling in front of him. His walls falling like chips, chunks of his room hitting the ground and going up in smoke when they hit the ground. And then all he could see was black and it enveloped him in a pain free cocoon.

* * *

Ichigo woke up.

The wall was still there.

None of it had been a dream.

Useless hope.

He was pathetic, but he didn't feel any emotion to the new low he had fallen too.

No anger or hurt pride or anything.

He could feel the hole pulsing, like it was a fresh wound all over again. None of it made any sense. Life was basic shit. There was no fucking happily ever after. Why the hell did people make up those stupid stories for kids? They knew it was just an illusion, a fantasy. It was bullshit. Just so _stupid._ Of course there was no happy ending. No silver lining to the fucking cloud. No, "it gets better." Fuck this.

He gazed down at the scars.

They itched.

Burned.

Ached.

He took his razor out from under the mattress.

It didn't look like a lot. Just a simple, silver razor. Ordinary.

It was intoxicating though.

Addicting.

Ichigo ran the blade down his forearm, watching the blood well up.

A single thin rivulet of red ran down his arm like a crimson colored snake .

He bit his lip and waited.

It collide with him.

Like a surge from a boundless wave that kept crashing into him over and over again.

Euphoria.

A beautiful, indescribable emotion that hit him hard and ran through his body like an electric charge.

Ichigo almost moaned in pleasure.

It was his drug.

His addiction.

It made everything else seem insignificant.

Blur it out.

Made him forget.

Ichigo panted while he felt that high drain from his body and trickle out to leave a pool of tangled emotions on his bedroom floor.

Too fast.

He needed more.

More. More. More. More. More.

Another cut.

Another high.

Another reason to hate himself.

He closed his eyes.

His head tilted back against the off white wall he despised.

Shocking blue gazed back at him behind his closed eyelids.

"_What are you doing?"_

He answered.

Even though he knew no one was there.

Even though he was making it up.

Even though he sounded crazy.

"I'm forgetting. What did you expect? _I can't_. I just can't. I tried. I did. But-"

The eyes glowed with anger.

"_You _idiot_! You can't just quit!_ "

"Yes. I can. Why shouldn't I?" he asked out loud to no one.

"_Because you have things to live for! What about your family?"_

"Yeah. Even after I killed her they love me. My family fucking loves me and I _hate _it."

"_You know that's not true. You're just saying that so you won't feel guilty about hurting yourself."_

"Shut the fuck up. You don't know anything."

"_Don't I? I'm a figment of your imagination Ichigo. Of course I know you. I know _everything_ about you."_

Ichigo was quiet for a long time.

"I miss you." he whispered into the empty room.

"_I know Ichi. I know." _said the fake Grimmjow Ichigo had created in his head.

Ichigo curled up into himself.

He was going insane.

The stupid walls where making him claustrophobic and it felt like they were getting smaller and smaller as they closed in on him.

_I can't do this._

**Xxx**

_It was stifling._

_The room filled with warm-blooded bodies. He could feel the heat radiating off of them. It was like being inside an 300 degree oven. Didn't anyone else feel it? Was it only him? _

_I need out he thought to himself. _

_The heat was becoming unbearable._

_Ichigo stood up. _

_Twenty four pairs of eyes followed his trek to the teacher's desk. The teacher, Ukitake-sensei, looked up from grading papers as Ichigo approached him. _

"_May I go to the nurse's office? I don't feel good." he said in a flat, low voice, avoiding the teacher's eyes._

_Ukitake-sensei gazed at him with concern, Ichigo's skin had a yellow tinge to it and he noticed the orange haired boy had dark bags under his eyes from what seemed to be insomnia._

"_Very well. Stay as long as you need. Would you like me to call your parents?" he asked gently._

_Ichigo looked up into kind grey eyes. "No. I'm fine. Just tired." he said in a clipped tone._

_Ukitake-sensei nodded, not completely convinced but let Ichigo go. When the door closed behind him with a soft click he sighed in release. _

_The hallways were deserted. Good. Ichigo started in the direction of the nurse's office passing rows of lockers and closed classroom doors that held bored groups of teenagers. He could see just ahead a blue door with a bronze placate that said in black letters __**nurse's office**__ indicating that was where he should go. Instead Ichigo swerved sharply to the right a few feet away from the door and followed a completely different hallway that led him to a flight of stairs. He took them two at a time until coming to a stop in front of a white heavy metal door that he knew led to the roof. He paused for a second. _

_The doors led out to the roof. He wasn't sure if there would be any stragglers but he had to take his chances. He needed out. The thought of light and sun inches away had him almost suffocating._

_With a surge of confidence he pushed the door open. Sunlight filled his whole line of vision and blinded him for a minute. He could feel the warm air on his skin. It smelled like wet earth. Ichigo closed his eyes and smiled, letting the warmth seep into his bones and blood. The sun turn his closed eyelids red and he felt the wind fan over his hair and face bringing with it the smells of cut grass, rain and…cigarette smoke._

"_Long time no see Kurosaki." interrupted a rumbling voice._

_Ichigos eyes snapped open. _

_Grimmjow stood a few feet away from him. He was dressed in a tight black v-neck shirt, black stonewashed jeans with multiple chains hanging from the belt and a pair of bright blue chucks. Smoke drifted out of his nostrils while he held a lit cigarette in his hand. The sun half lit his expressionless face leaving one side in shadow but unable to obscure cornflower blue eyes. Ichigo felt a shiver run down the length of his back and sweat break out in his palms. _

_The whole peaceful scene shattered in front of him. It was replaced with the image of Grimmjow standing there on the roof while the sun rose high above the cloudless sky._

_Ichigo took a step back. "I…"_

"_I don't bite, ya know." _

"_What?"_

"_I can see it."_

_There. There it was again._

_Grimmjow cocked his head, blue strands falling forward. "Why are you so scared?"_

"_I'm not" growled Ichigo, instantly defending himself._

_Grimmjow snorted. "Sure." He took another drag and closed his eyes. Smoke rose up, curling like dying leaves into the sky._

_Ichigo scowled. "What the fuck do you know anyways?"_

_Grimmjow opened his eyes. He looked at Ichigo; _really _looked at him. Not like how people usually did. Where they took in his bright orange hair and constantly scowling face and immediately thought of him as a troublemaker and a punk. His gaze was level and heated. Boring into him, those crystal blue lances shredding deep into his soul and leaving him empty and in shock. _

_He knew._

_He knew everything._

"_How?" he said out loud in a strangled voice._

_Grimmjow's stare had lessened but his eyes still glowed like the dying embers in a fire._

_He said nothing._

_Anger raced through Ichigo. He was looking at him with a superior, condescending smirk that made his blood boil._

_He strode towards Grimmjow, cutting the space between them with four measured steps._

"_Who the fuck do you think you are?" he snarled in Grimmjow's face, his fists clenching the front of Grimmjow's shirt. "Why are you doing this? _Why?_"_

_For the first time Grimmjow flashed a wicked grin that showed overly sharp, pearly white teeth and made Ichigo's heart lurch painfully in his chest but he refused to let it go._

"_Why, damn it!" he yelled_

"_Because, Kurosaki. You're. Just. Like. Me." replied Grimmjow casually, flicking his cigarette on the ground. He watched the cherry red tip fizzle out and go dark before looking up at Ichigo out of the corner of his eye and leaning back. He jammed his hands into his pockets but did nothing to release Ichigo from his slacking grip on his shirt. _

_Ichigo froze, all the air leaving his body._

"_What the hell are you talking about?" he whispered suddenly feeling very tired. He hung his head and tried to remember how to breath as all the life seemed to drain out of him. He simply looked exhausted beyond the point of recovery. Like he would close his eyes and never open them again. He still clutched Grimmjow's shirt but his grip had loosened so that the only thing keeping him from toppling over was hanging on for dear life to Grimmjow._

"_That-That's not true. We're nothing alike." he breathed _

"_You're in such denial its pathetic." said Grimmjow in disgust. "I know you can see it Kurosaki. That dark twisted thing inside of you. I can even tell you that it had been festering there until _something _broke it open_. _You can feel it can't you? Every day it seems to grow bigger; consuming you from the inside. It's always there. Underneath the skin: branded into your flesh. It's no use trying to deny it." said Grimmjow in a surprisingly bitter tone that made it seem like he had gone through the exact same thing._

"_Shut up. Shut the _fuck_ up." said Ichigo finally looking up at Grimmjow and instantly locking eyes with powder blue ones. He realized how close he was to the blue-haired boy and started pulling back but was barely able to move an inch. Ichigo looked down in surprised and found Grimmjow's hand holding tightly to his arm._

"_Why? What was it Kurosaki? What made you break?" murmured Grimmjow. _

_Ichigo leaned back from Grimmjow's warm breath his eyes wide. He felt unsteady and impulsively wanted to lean back in but he just…couldn't. It was making him frustrated and desperate and confused. _

"_No. I…I don't know what you're talking about. Why won't you leave me alone?" he asked breathlessly._

"_You ask too many questions Kurosaki." replied Grimmjow. _

_He pulled Ichigo back in and suddenly their faces were inches away from each other, their breath practically mingling together. Bright cobalt blue eyes gazed into henna ones. Ichigo could feel his heart beating right out of his chest. He felt like he was about to burst wide open. It was electrifying. Those were the only words Ichigo could think of as he tried to breathe properly through his mouth. Really, he was panting, soft breath's that puffed out, running over Grimmjow's own breath. There mouth's were centimeters away and when Ichigo noticed, something like fire spread throughout his body. He was literally burning up; His insides catching fire and being charred to ash while the rest of him went up in flames with them. He was being burned alive, and the feeling wasn't entirely horrible. Some of the blazing heat clenched in his stomach and smoldered there; a fiery pit that was slowly beginning to flow lower. Holy shit. Ichigo couldn't take it anymore. He yanked himself away from Grimmjows heated body, stumbling as he backed away. He tried pulling in uneven breaths into his lungs as the realization hit him of how close he actually been to the other boy. _

"_Ha…ha…ha…what…what are you doing?" said Ichigo in between pants._

_Grimmjow smirked like the arrogant asshole he was._

_Ichigo felt his stomach roil with that expression. Grimmjow…had been playing him all along? Something very close to hurt hit Ichigo. What did he care? He didn't even know the blue-haired asshole. A frown marred his face. _

_Yeah. Right. _

_He didn't care._

_He didn't._

_Grimmjow took out a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. He pulled one out with his teeth and put the pack back before taking out his lighter. He lit it, turning his back to Ichigo in the process and completely ignoring him. _

_Ichigo watched the cocky bastard with a mixture of bafflement and anger. _

"_What the fuck are you doing?" he hissed in disbelief._

"_What the fuck does it look like?" shot back Grimmjow._

_That's it. _

_That was fucking _it_._

_He couldn't take it anymore._

_The bottled up tension Ichigo had been storing inside for the past week fucking snapped. It exploded into a raging inferno that was in danger of consuming him as he spun a startled Grimmjow around to look him in the eye. There gazes locked for a full minute and Ichigo's gaze actually softened for a split second before he swung his fist and with a sound of flesh smacking against flesh Ichigo punched Grimmjow square in the jaw. The force was enough to make Grimmjow stumble backwards before recovering his balance._

_What the fuck?_

"_Fuck you, you stupid asshole." seethed Ichigo through clenched teeth, his eyes blistering flames that could have easily melted metal at that moment. Grimmjow was left speechless as Ichigo stormed away, leaving him stunned on the roof. _

_Alone._

**Xxx**

Ichigo smiled bitterly through the film of tears in his eyes at the memory. There first few meetings hadn't gone so well. He hadn't known what to make of the boy with bright blue hair, equally blue eyes and that egotistical personality of his. Yes, he'd felt something very close to hurt that day. He had no idea why. He hadn't even known the guy that well. Only rumors that he always ditched school, talked back to the teachers and that people suspected him of being gay. Ichigo hadn't really given a fuck. Hell, he'd kind of sympathized with the guy since he knew what it felt like to be judged. Like Grimmjow had needed his stupid pity.

God, he _missed _him.

His way of making him laugh with stupid jokes, his sky blue eyes that he had always been scared to drown in, his overbearing personality, his surprisingly gentle side that liked to cuddle, his blunt ways, even his short temper. He missed everything that made Grimmjow, _Grimmjow_.

There was no going back now though. It was over. Grimmjow had made sure of that. He wouldn't plead to the bastard. Never. No matter how much it hurt. Grimmjow had chosen to leave. There was only going forward now. Grimmjow had made it clear he wanted nothing to do with Ichigo.

_Stop it!_

Ichigo let the waves of misery drown him. He let all of the pain and the hurting that he had been holding back smash into him with such force that it left him breathless. He could do this. He would. Just let it go. Just _try. _The words seemed to mock him. Why the _fuck_ was he so in love with that bastard? It wasn't _fair. _The world was a cruel fucked up place that had thought to play a sick joke on him and Grimmjow. He was only seventeen! How the hell could he have fallen in love at seventeen? He was still a virgin for fuck's sakes! It infuriated him how Grimmjow had so easily burrowed under his skin and stayed there. Haunting him.

"Onii-chan?"

Ichigo whipped his head up to look in the direction of the voice. It came from behind his closed door.

"Onii-chan?" repeated Yuzu in a wispy voice.

His chest caved in and his heart started beating a mile a minute.

_Oh, Yuzu._

Yuzu. He couldn't look at her right now. Not when he was falling completely apart and the only thing separating the two were these four walls and a flimsy piece of wood.

"Ichi-nii I-um, are you…okay?" asked Yuzu tentatively from behind the door.

He felt horrible. Yuzu had been checking on him for weeks now to make sure he wouldn't try anything stupid. Of course, she didn't know about the cutting. No one did. Except for Grimmjow.

"I made you food. I don't know if you'll want it or not but I'll leave it here in front of your door."

There was a beat of silence as Yuzu waited discouragingly for a response. When none came she sighed quietly, already expecting it.

"Please get better Ichigo. I'm sorry that it hurts but…I…I miss you" whispered Yuzu so softly that Ichigo was barely able to catch it.

But once the words were processed the tears overflowed and streamed down. He couldn't stop it. They just kept coming and coming. Silent sobs shook his body. He heard a sniffle from the hallway and then the sounds of wheels moving over carpet as Yuzu retreated. He didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve his family.

I miss you too.

_How can you do this to your family? After everything they did for you. It's pathetic. _

You're_ pathetic. You're so selfish; So petty. What about them? They're hurting too. And it's all. Your. Fault. _

"I'm sorry Yuzu," whispered Ichigo brokenly. "I'm so sorry."

* * *

**So? How was it? REVIEW KIDDIES! Oh and I also want to thank you for all the follows, favorites and reviews! But seriously, fucking review. NOW...please.**


	4. Check this out por favor

Hello Kiddies! I'm sorry this isn't another chapter about my story. Yeti-on-fire and I have decided to do a collaboration! Yay! It's not about Bleach but I really hope you go see it! It's about Hetalia, which is awesome. It's called _Unexpected Turn-outs _and just look us up under Moon-Yeti. I really hope you guys check it out because I love you all and if you love me too you'll check it out XD (Plus if you do I'll post another chapter up). Hehehehehehehe (Yes I will resort to bribery…)

Thank you!


	5. Chapter 4: Before the Fray

**Yeah, hey everybody. So first of all...this took a lot of time to make because, as some of you might know, I had some serious writers block that SUCKED. **

**Then there was school and personal stuff and...anyways, here it is. Fucking finally right? Hope you like it, enjoy, and review? I'm still not so sure about this chapter but I'm tired of looking it over and over again so whatever. It is what it is.**

**Oh, almost forgot. This chapter and a few after these are in the past before Ichigo and Grimmjow broke up (I hate saying that TT-TT) It's all about how they meet and get together yadda yadda yadda. You'll be able to tell by the title which will be Before the Fray.**

* * *

_With everything happening today_

_You don't know whether you're comin' or going_

_But, you think that you're on your way_

_Life lined up on the mirror don't blow it_

_Look at me when I'm talkin' to you_

_You looking at me but I'm lookin' through you_

_I see the blood in your eyes_

_I see the love in disguise_

_I see the pain hidden in your pride_

_I see you're not satisfied_

_And I don't see nobody else_

_I see myself, I'm looking at the…_

_Mirror on the wall, here we are again_

_Through my rise and fall_

_You've been my only friend_

_You told me that they can't_

_Understand the man I am_

_So why are we here,_

_Talkin' to each other again_

_Oh, I see the truth in your lies_

_I see nobody by your side_

_But I'm with you when you're all alone_

_And you correct me when I'm lookin' wrong_

_I see the guilt beneath the shame_

_I see your soul through your window pain_

_I see the scars that remain_

_Mirror on the wall, here we are again_

_Through my rise and fall_

_You've been my only friend_

_You told me that they can't_

_Understand the man I am_

_So why are we here,_

_Talkin' to each other again_

_Lookin' at me now I can see my past_

_Damn I look just like my fuckin' dad_

_Light it up, that's smoke and mirrors_

_I even look good in the broken mirror_

_-Mirror, Lil Wayne Ft Bruno Mars_

* * *

The air is cold and new, smelling damp and that musky scent that comes after it's stopped raining and everything is covered in water. Puddles scatter the city and worms lie drowned in the sidewalks after having to leave there flooded homes.

He ignores all of it but the damp coldness seeping through his jacket and into his bones. It's still dark. Around three in the morning. His eyes focus and trace the cracks in the sidewalk, that spider web into a thousand different directions, before hiding aquamarine eyes behind pale eyelids.

Pain slices through the back of his eyes, nothing but a twitch of his jaw revealing that he felt it. The bruise is still there; pristine and tender. It's grown to the size of an orange. He cares little for it though; the person who gave him the discoloration is the one he's more interested in. Kurosaki could punch that he was certain of, but what the hell had made the fucker strike him so suddenly? Was it because he'd played him? But Kurosaki wasn't even gay…was he? He snorted, not likely.

Wetness hit him abruptly on the cheek. He glanced up to be met with dark rolling clouds and droplets raining down on the streets of Karakura but made no motion to move except to pull up his hood. The rain didn't bother him. It was just another thing to ignore. Another thing that he didn't care about. Nowadays, there was little that he really cared about. It was almost laughable how back then things had been so different.

* * *

"_Come here Grimmjow. Don't you want to feel your little sister?"_

_Grimmjow shyly nodded his head and took a hesitant step forward towards where his mother and father were seated on the couch. Grimmjow's mother smiled tenderly, her large gray eyes glittering with mirth. Her black hair was pulled back in a braid and her skin had a healthy glow to it that people always commented on when they stopped to talk to her about the pregnancy. _

_8 months. His little sister was 8 months old. _

_Grimmjow had been ecstatic when they had told him he was going to have a little sister or brother. At first he had been a little disappointed that she wasn't a boy but his mother reminded him that he would still be her little prince which had cheered him up. _

_His father chuckled at Grimmjow's slow speed as he shuffled closer and closer to his mother's bulging belly. He finally stood in front of them, unsure but curious. Grimmjow's mother took his tiny hand and gently laid it over her belly. He waited, intrigued. When Grimmjow was just getting impatient he felt something shift under his hand. He pulled back in shock with wide eyes, holding his tiny hand as if he had been burned. His parents laughed at his expression as he blushed in embarrassment. He pouted and his father ruffled his hair playfully._

"_It's ok Grimmjow. Don't be afraid. That's just your little sister getting comfortable." he said in encouragement._

_Grimmjow looked at him with large, trustful and innocent eyes before setting his face into a determined scowl and planting his hand over his mother's belly once again. This time when he felt a nudge he didn't react and continued to wait. Suddenly he felt a kick. His eyes went saucer wide but he refused to move his hand to prove he was a big boy. He felt another kick before his little sister shifted once again. He waited and waited but it seemed that was the end of the show. _

_With a triumphant expression Grimmjow smiled widely at his parents, glad that he had not been scared this time. His parents smiled back at him with warm expressions before he scrambled up into their laps to snuggle and watch his favorite anime._

* * *

He grimaced with pain. The pain did not come from the steady pounding in his head. Grimmjow breathed deeply through his nose, trying to dispel the memory. It did him no good to bring up his painful past. And that's all it was; his past. He could afford to bring it up once in awhile but he couldn't dwell on it for more than a few hours or so. Today was about the past, the painful part at least. The part he wished he could erase completely and rewrite a happy ending to it.

_And the little boy lived happily ever after with his little sister and parents._

But fairy tales weren't real.

The interruption he had silently craved for came rolling down the street with the speed of a turtle. The old battered bus stopping in front of him with a reptilian hiss as its doors opened. Grimmjow pushed off the pole he had been leaning against to climb on. He looked straight ahead as he walked to the back, finding an empty seat away from the other passengers. The bus was barely filled anyways, considering how late it was.

His window presented him with the view of his recent spot where he had been leaning against the pole that held the sign indicating that it was a bus stop. Grimmjow heard the doors began to close with a creak when at the last minute a figure slipped through. He looked up to see none other than fucking Kurosaki walking down the aisle, earphones plugged in and a plastic bag in hand. He sat two seats in front of Grimmjow. Either Kurosaki hadn't seen him or he didn't care.

Kurosaki's hair made his headache want to die and be reborn into a migraine. It was so _orange _and _bright_ and it reminded him of the fucking sun.

Warm brown fills the gaps in his mind. Golden maple with flecks of green. Grimmjow stares hard at the back of the orangettes head. Anyone looking their way would have been surprised he hadn't burned a hole through the boy's head by now but no one pays attention to the oblivious teenager and the blunette glaring at him. Kurosaki shifts in his seat and for a minute Grimmjow thinks with smugness that he's uncomfortable because he can feel someone glaring at him but then he notices that Kurosaki has his head tilted back, looking out the window with a strange expression plastered on his face. Grimmjow turns to his own rain splattered window, watching the scenery racing by so fast that he can only tell by color what the blurs they passed actually are. He furrows his eyebrows. Something pulls at the back of his mind…a memory…It catches him by surprise as the memory surfaces lighting fast.

* * *

_He used to love looking at the window when he was a kid. Especially when it rained. He loved the whole scenery of it; drooping branches, leaves heavy with water, streets slick and dark, city lights dim as they weakly tried to cut through the heavy downpour. Everything always looked so gloomy but it had never made him sad. In fact, quite the opposite. It made him want to go outside and walk though the empty streets of Karakura, laughing while he splashed in large puddles of rainwater. _

_Today though, he couldn't seem to find the excitement in seeing the clouds drenching the world in tears. He couldn't find anything in him but a scared coldness that had settled in his chest, making it painful to breathe. _

_The hospital smelled like piss, antiseptics and stale air. _

_He shivered, wrapping the thin jacket tighter around his small frame._

_Hospitals sucked._

_The sterile white waiting room made him jittery and feeling open._

_He squeezed his eyes shut, the fresh memories coming to plague him again. _

_Her screams repeated themselves in his head. _

_Her ear-shattering screams._

_And it was his doing._

* * *

Grimmjow blinked, the memory fading away.

He scowled out the window, watching the world pass by in a blur from the speed of the bus.

Fuck rain.

Grimmjow turned back to Kurosaki who now seemed to be watching the rain with a weird intense concentration, like he saw something completely different than rain; something better and more exciting.

_What did he see?_

After all, it was only rain.

Right?

The bus screeched to a halt, making him flinch with the noise. Grimmjow watched the orange haired boy get off before he noticed the street name and realized this was _his _stop.

Shit.

He quickly stood and walked out seconds before the bus could close its doors. The streets were deserted of course, except for him, Kurosaki and a few stragglers. He shoved his hands into his pockets before setting out through the rain towards his destination.

Three blocks later Grimmjow realized that Kurosaki had been in front of him the whole time he's been walking. Was it possible the two were going to the same place?

Grimmjow was skeptical and also a little mystified. Why was he in Las Noches of all places? These were the slums: the homes of unwanted people, criminals, prostitutes and those too poor to leave.

Why the fuck would Kurosaki come here?

Grimmjow noted that Kurosaki had put on his hood. So he wasn't as stupid as he looked. If anyone here caught him with his bright fucking orange hair they'd beat the crap out of him. Grimmjow had made a name of himself here when he was younger so he didn't have to hide his blue hair but he wanted to see where Kurosaki was going.

The thought almost stopped him in his tracks.

Since when had he become so interested in Kurosaki? He hadn't given two shits about him before, so why was he so fascinated by this surly boy with the ever present scowl and the great right hook?

Grimmjow stopped when he noticed that Kurosaki had stopped walking. The usually animated boy seemed to almost curl into himself as he stood in front of the rusted gates that led to the graveyard.

Grimmjow's original destination.

How strange to think of the boy who had a happy warm family and friends who supported him and all that other good shit have death too.

Seemed a little unfair to Kurosaki no?

Ah, what did he know about fairness.

Grimmjow watched Kurosaki walk in without a backward glance. He waited a beat before entering as well. No, he wasn't fucking following Kurosaki. He was just going to see family, he told himself.

Grimmjow weaved through plots choking with weeds and littered with trash. Karakura's crappy cemetery wasn't exactly pretty but this place looked like a shit hole. He didn't see Kurosaki anywhere and frankly, he didn't care. Right now, he was here for his family.

He passed bouquets of flowers and statues and plaques before he came to a stop in front of two headstones; one smaller than the other. A tiny stone angel had been carved into the smaller headstone so it appeared as if it was sitting on top of it. The larger headstone was intertwined with stone vines. Grimmjow carefully brought out the two delicate rose buds he'd been carrying in his pocket; one yellow, one red and laid each one on top of the separate headstones.

So many years had passed since then. Nothing was like it had been when he was a child. He had no mother, no father, and no baby sister. His past life was gone. All that remained were painful memories and himself.

When Grimmjow heard footstep behind him he kept his gaze on the graves in front of him, still thinking about his losses.

"Grimmjow?"

The guy sounded surprised.

He sighed. "Kurosaki."

"My names not Kurosaki."

"Could've fooled me."

"Don't act smart, you know what I mean. Everyone else calls me Ichigo."

"I'm not everyone else."

"Yeah, I noticed."

Grimmjow smirked, his eyes trailing the faded inscription on the larger headstone. "Yeah. I'm the big bad wolf. No one fucks with me cuz they're too scared…except for you," He rose to his full height and turned to look at Ichigo, absently noticing that he was a few inches taller than the strawberry. "What's up with that?"

Ichigo shrugged. "Just because you scare people doesn't exactly mean there's anything wrong with you. I just think you're a huge asshole who deserves to get his ass kicked once in awhile."

Grimmjow watched Ichigo for a minute, as if he was searching for something. Ichigo unflinchingly returned the stare with his own steady one. And then that strange tension from before began crackling and reforming as their eyes never wavered from each other. They both could feel it, there blood practically singing with the sensation.

And it scared the crap out of Grimmjow

He didn't like this.

It left him feeling open and fucking _vulnerable_.

It was disgusting. That word was _disgusting_.

Before the tension could grow anymore and pull them in like magnets he broke eye contact and instead focused on the headstone behind Ichigo's head.

Grimmjow sneered to cover his reaction. "Che, what are you doing here anyways Kurosaki?"

"My name's Ichigo."

"Whatever." said Grimmjow before turning his back to Ichigo.

Ichigo gritted his teeth in frustration. He moved his body in a motion that showed he was about to storm off when Grimmjow abruptly went down on his knees in front of the headstones and began to pull the weeds that had grown wild from around the plots. Ichigo had a sensation that he was intruding on something private, a mere passerby who had stumbled upon a moment not meant for him.

But he was compelled to answer Grimmjow's question before he left.

Maybe it was the fact that Grimmjow knew the feeling of losing a loved one. Maybe he just wanted to tell someone before he burst from hiding his little secret.

"I'm getting used to it."

Grimmjow didn't stop pulling weeds. "You never get used to it."

Ichigo was quiet. He knew that these two headstones meant something to Grimmjow. Why else would he be here on his knees, clearing the plots from weeds and leaving flowers?

"Does-does the hurt…ever get better?" he whispered so low he wasn't sure Grimmjow had heard.

Grimmjow paused for a minute, evidently having heard him. "No." he said flatly and continued pulling weeds.

Ichigo watched him. He watched Grimmjow tear into the plants with a ruthless determination. Pulling them out, roots and all to throw them far away from anywhere remotely close to the tombstones. Almost like he _had_ to clean the plot. He _had_ to make it presentable and nice for whoever lay there.

Ichigo thought.

He argued with himself and battled and reasoned but it always came to the same conclusion.

So instead of leaving Grimmjow to his own devices Ichigo dropped to his knees next to him and starting pulling weeds from the larger headstone.

Grimmjow said nothing but flashed a surprised gaze at him in acknowledgment.

They spent several minutes in a somewhat content and companionable silence that neither had ever really felt before. The only sounds were the soft pattering of rain and the hard wrenching of pulling roots from wet mud. Both were soon drenched and caked with mud but neither stopped their work.

Ichigo was the first to break the comfortable silence. "My mother," he began in a low voice that sounded incredibly loud to him. "She's dead." He pulled another large weed out, the roots caked with dirt. "Or, she should be."

Grimmjow looked at him but Ichigo refused to meet his eyes. "She-she's brain dead… but she might as well be fucking dead." growled Ichigo bitterly. He racked his hand harshly through the mud, scowling furiously. "She's still there; in the hospital. She's kept alive by machines, if you can even call it that. All they do is make her chest go up and down and breathe oxygen into her but I know she's gone. The only thing left is her empty shell."

Grimmjow stopped pulling weeds. He turned to Ichigo who pulled a small daffodil out with an unnecessary ferocious yank. Ichigo continued to avoid looking at Grimmjow as he continued.

"I wanted to get used to it. When we buried her, I wanted to get used to coming here. So that every time I came here it wouldn't feel so unrealistic and seem like everything had been a dream and she would be waiting for me at home…besides, it's only a matter of time before they pull the plug. We don't have the money to keep her on for much longer."

Ichigo shifted his eyes back up to Grimmjow. "I probably sound cold don't I?" he asked with a tired smile that didn't reach his dead brown eyes.

Grimmjow slightly cocked his head in confusion. "Why? You're just being rational."

Ichigo blinked. His gaze fell down to his hands. They where filthy; covered in mud and grave soil with chewed down stubs for nails. A nervous habit he'd developed at a young age. Ichigo absently scratched at his arm, not taking much notice since he'd been doing it quite recently. Grimmjow noticed.

"I guess." Ichigo muttered, feeling awkward.

His mind was still reeling over the fact that he'd told an almost complete stranger why he came to the town cemetery in the middle of the night to get away from everything.

Life, in general.

Sometimes, Ichigo felt as if he was trapped inside this little bubble that was his life and at times it would shrink, and shrink so much so that he felt suffocated and overwhelmed with what seemed to be normal everyday things: going to school, talking to friends, brushing his teeth, interacting with family, even just sitting in his room doing absolutely nothing. They caused something to snap in his mind that made him want to run as far and fast as he could and leave everything behind and never return to it.

Grimmjow listened to Kurosaki with an intenseness that surprised him. Something about…this boy…made his chest stir with a unnatural feeling that he sensed he'd experienced before. He just had no inkling of what it could possibly mean.

Grimmjow ignored those feelings. He pushed them far back in a dark corner of his recess that he wouldn't be able to reach unless he really wanted to and did the only thing he instinctively knew how to.

He pushed away.

"Why are you telling me all of this, Ichigo? You want me to fucking feel sorry for you?" he asked in a scathing tone.

Ichigo flinched back as if he'd been physically slapped. Grimmjow immediately regretted his words. When the blue haired boy noticed that Ichigo's eyes where pricking with tears he felt his gut wrench harshly at the sight. Ichigo scrambled backwards when Grimmjow half-heartedly reached his hand out. He stood on shaky legs, hating the tears desperately wanting to spill over.

He had to get away. Had to get the fuck away from Grimmjow.

This is what he deserved for opening up to a person like Grimmjow. Just because he had dead relatives didn't mean he understood.

Ichigo wiped at his face angrily; humiliation and shame washing over him from his behavior. Stupid. Stupid idiot, moron! He stumbled as he walked away from Grimmjow, feeling like he was looking down at someone else who looked exactly like him walking away from the man who had so callously pushed him away.

Grimmjow watched him go, internally battling with himself if he should go after the red head or not. Should he go after him? Did it really matter that Kurosaki and him where worlds apart? Grimmjow raged with himself, arguing and trying to justify his actions. He couldn't though. He couldn't think of a good reason why he had pushed the strawberry away. All of the reasons he brought up where selfish and stupid.

Grimmjow sighed before pushing himself up and running after Kurosaki wondering if he would later regret the action.

Ichigo scowled when the tears fell. The moment he had disappeared from Grimmjows sight the tears had flooded over and made his vision blurry.

Shit, he hated crying.

Don't get him wrong, he didn't cry easily. But after practically spilling his guts out to the blue haired punk and having the words thrown at him like razor sharp needles in his already fragile state made his tear ducts betray him. It didn't help that when he was pissed he cried.

'_Godfuckingdammit!' _he fumed in his head.

"Ichigo! Wait!"

Ichigo froze at the sound of that voice. He debated whether he should make a run for it or hear the bastard out but lost his chance when Grimmjow grabbed his wrist and turned him around. Ichigo jerked back, feeling as if lighting had just shot straight through his body at the touch of the blue haired man.

"Look I-" Grimmjow scowled. What the fuck was he supposed to say?

"Forget it Grimm. It doesn't matter. I don't know why the fuck I even talked to you." said Ichigo in a flat voice, shaking his head.

"Listen Kurosaki!-Wait, wa'd you call me?" said Grimmjow, a strange look on his face.

"What?"

"That name…what was it?"

"Grimm?"

"Yeah, that."

"Are you _fucking_ serious?! Who gives a shit what I call you!" Ichigo yelled before moving to walk away from not only a bastard but an idiot as well.

Grimmjow spun him around, a frustrated look on his face. "Will you quit fucking trying to _leave._"

"Why? It's not like you care anyways!" spat Ichigo as he tried to wriggle away from Grimmjows tight grip. "Let go of me asshole!"

Grimmjow closed his eyes, his patience wearing thin. He was gonna end up killing this kid.

"I said let go!"

The little control Grimmjow had been holding snapped. "HER NAME WAS NEL!" he shouted at Ichigo, trying to get him to understand.

Not that yelling helped.

Ichigo jerked back, fear quickly replacing his anger and making his heart beat like a rabbits. He had never seen that expression on the blue haired boy.

Grimmjow breathed deeply and closed his eyes, trying to calm down. "She was my sister. Not even a year old before she died. I couldn't…do anything…she just-just…was gone."

His chest hurt.

It was like hot lead was running through his veins instead of blood. He swallowed through the lump in his throat and opened cornflower blue eyes to meet shocked auburn ones.

"She died…in-in my arms." he whispered.

Ichigo's eyes went from shocked to horror filled. Grimmjow looked away, glaring out at the field of headstones spotted all over the grounds, expecting Kurosaki to leave.

What he didn't expect was being crushed in a hug.

He gasped in surprise. The feeling of strong arms holding him tightly was something he hadn't experienced since he was a little boy. He felt secure. Tied down.

What…the fuck?

It was so…weird.

"Kurosaki? What-what the fuck are you doing?" he asked, too confused to be pissed off.

"Hugging you, dumb ass." answered Ichigo, his voice muffled.

Grimmjow scowled. "I fucking know that. I mean…why?"

Ichigo pulled back, his face red and a scowl plastered on his face. "Why the fuck not?"

"Uh…"

"Grimm, you just told me some serious shit. I think a hug was needed."

Grimmjow frowned. "Ok…I guess."

Ichigo chuckled under his breath.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, just…your confusion is adorable."

"WHAT?"

"Hahahahaha!" Ichigo burst out laughing and at the same time jumped backwards in case Grimmjow decided to find offense in the words.

"Fuck you, Kurosaki!"

Ichigo chuckled. How had they gone from confessing the reasons they were here to this?

Who knew? But Ichigo felt somewhat lighter after telling Grimmjow. Somewhat satisfied, you could say.

At the same time Grimmjow was dealing with similar emotions but they were making him confused and muddled. You have to understand, Grimmjow wasn't used to such emotions. He tried to avoid them because when he didn't…well, this usually happened. They left him with a stirring in his heart and a baffled mind.

It really was tedious.

This time though, when he looked at Kurosaki's smiling face, eyes bright and cheeks dusted pink, the rain pouring down and making his hair stick to his forehead Grimmjow thought the stirring maybe wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

**Apologies for the bipolar-ness in this. I'm weird.**


End file.
